Charting a Course For Christian Marriage
A Seven-part Letter of Encouragement to Christian Military Couples — Letter Three
Last month in Letter Two we discussed a tough topic – the three tickets we believe are essential for a couple to have a chance at a good marriage regardless of their faith profession, but certainly for a Christian marriage. Those included physical and emotional safety, emotional availability without competition with an addiction, and trust that each person feels unique and special without inappropriate involvement with third parties. Each was discussed in detail so if you missed that letter, we really recommend you go back and check that one out. Those are prerequisites for what we have to say going forward.
But first, a pause. We know that those tickets are getting harder and harder to find these days. We live in a time when society is having trouble identifying a common sense of right and wrong – consensus about an a ultimate, overarching cultural ethos. For many only political power is important. Others are wrapped up in self-importance. This leaves us fragmented and confused, and efforts at personal virtue are seen as naïve at best or foolhardy at worst.
We do not mean to treat tough subjects like domestic violence, addictions, and infidelity without the seriousness that they deserve. As a couple we have successfully navigated around those shoal waters for four decades, but please do not take our attempt at folksy storytelling as lack of deep concern for those couples still struggling to find safety and total commitment to the marriage. In fact, we highly encourage those readers struggling for those three tickets to keep reading our letters. We are certain you will find both a sense of hope, a vision for the future you want, and helpful advice that will have applicability in facilitating the attainment of one or more of those tickets. With those points emphasized, we will resume our story.
We hear that unmistakable hum of the letter carrier’s little engine put-putting down our street. Leaving his wife in her recliner, out goes our salty old shrink shuffling along with his morning cup of Joe without much hope of anything of value in that old box.
But, wow, Herschel comes trotting back into the house with a broad grin on his face like you would not believe. He got his first Nueske’s Premium Meats catalog! The cover is adorned with four luscious, mouthwatering hot dogs! The company is offering sumptuous premium meats for outdoor grilling like applewood smoked hotdogs, triple-thick butcher cut bacon, and a smoked bratwurst sampler! His mouth is watering as he starts planning his next cookout. Boy, has his mood changed from the sleepyhead that wandered out to the mailbox.
Try to follow us here. It’s a bit of a jump. Let’s take this relatively cute, but minor transformative moment of daily life and talk about something really important, namely the transformative experience of our Christian faith. This is the first of our five practical areas for implementing the Christian truths about love and commitment.
Becoming more Christlike as a Married Person. One of the ways the Christian marriage is different from non-Christian marriage is that we know that our spouses are loved by God, are His unique and (Continued on Page 2)
special child, and that God works through his Spirit to make changes in each of us – to make us more like himself. 2 Corinthians 3:18 holds the truth of this very clearly. In a marriage where both partners are sincere followers of Christ and are experienced as good-hearted people, you have the potential of forging a very close and loving relationship. You know that even if we are not on the “same sheet of music” on a given day, week, month, or even year, we are still in the same “hymnal”!
We think that one way we become more like Christ is by learning to love more completely both God and our spouse. Fortunately, our Father has provided us with a wonderful “training aid” (to use a familiar military teaching term) in learning about that kind of love, namely our spouse.
Although we experience wonderful feelings associated with love, the act of loving is primarily a decision, a commitment, the attitude of forgiveness, a willingness to look for the best in our spouse, and a habit of willing service. One of the things we learned from psychology is that when you make willing sacrifices for the benefit of someone else, your love for them grows. Note the operative word in that is WILLING. If you make sacrifices for someone else’s benefit because you feel coerced and would rather not do it, you are more likely to feel resentment rather than love.
While Christians are in the process of becoming more Christlike, we must declare that it is a messy and challenging effort at best. Yet, we do see those areas of growth where the Holy Spirit is working in each of us to achieve that end. Seeing the Spirit working in your spouse is a beautiful reminder that God truly loves him or her. Your spouse continues to move in the direction of walking in the Spirit and becoming the person God is forming them for His work. Take comfort in that process and trust Christ’s work in his or her life. That is His work; you are not in charge of your spouse’s spiritual development. Trying to take on that role will only lead to conflict and problems that limit the growth you are seeking.
We have not always experienced this as a “lock step” process. As men and women often of slightly different ages and usually employed differently and from different backgrounds, possibly cultures, too, husbands and wives will often have different spiritual journeys with many varied growth points. In our example, for about three years of our marriage, we did not attend church together. Frankly, Herschel had more work to do to recapture his Christian testimony after initial exposure to the social sciences. Anne’s faithfulness to her faith and the love and patience she brought to the marriage were major factors in reopening spiritual doors Herschel had temporarily closed.
Even though we have attended church together over the last thirty years, we have each had different spiritual crises and growth moments that the other was helpful in resolving. We have been involved with four different denominations in our forty-year journey together. Each of those transitions we had to negotiate together as the Lord moved in our lives. We were able to honor the time and effort it took one another to work out his or her journey with our Lord.
We have learned that we experience our spirituality differently, Anne relishes her music. For her hymns are actually raised to the level of prayers. Herschel is more at home preparing a lesson or writing a paper. He is more academically inclined in his spiritual life, needing to study topics carefully. It’s probably the classic right brain, left brain division.
Here is an interesting observation. Herschel’s recliner sits on the left and Anne’s is on the right. We got our family room furniture pegged correctly didn’t we? Speaking of those recliners, we hear them calling for us, so we’ll trundle back to them. There is some grilling to plan! Where did Herschel put that meat catalogue?
But before we go, we encourage our readers to honor the work the Lord is doing in your spouse as He makes him or her more Christ like each day; give them the support and time to sort out complicated stuff when it crops up. It will!
See you next month when we continue to move forward through our other topics: resolving the fundamental balance of power in marriage, risking emotional vulnerability, resolving daily conflicts, and enjoying the romance and passion of marriage.
Dr. Herschel Hughes, Jr., CDR, MSC, USNR (Ret.) and Dr. Anne S. Hughes, LCDR, USNR (Ret.) are CMF Local Reps who are engaged in CMF’s Marriage & Family and Combat Trauma Ministries. During different seasons of the year, they are able to adopt a vagabond lifestyle with their RV and enjoy traveling to different military ministry posts while continuing their own Bible teaching and ministry via video conference.